Renewed

Over a year since I posted in this last. Everything has changed for the better =] September last year I was in a ruse of naive love and a insufficient level of confidence and enthusiasm. I don't know, yet, if this was to be the lowest part of my life, however, it was such a dark time for the soul. I went north beginning of this year and for the entire time I waged through mountains of dishes, angry miserable coworkers and managers as well as grumpy miners. A multitude of boring and repetitive tasks for 2 weeks at a time, with one week of reprieve. for 9 months worth of the work and not smoking much weed at all, I have accomplished so many things, in fact more than I actually set out to do! plus, it has opened my self to taking on bigger challenges and bigger dreams. So many ideas for the future! Life is Short people! I am now a full dreadlocked hippy, I have been training moderately for about 6 months and the benefits really show. This year I have been the strongest, quickest and focused I have ever been. As well as a complete man whore. The women have been great. In different places through different people.. yeah. Some I fell for, some not at all, some fell for me and some I booted out the door and never spoke to again.. or vice versa. A humble sense of tranquility precedes most of my choices and actions in life. The more stable I feel in living arrangements and expenses the more able I am to relax and keep happy! It's almost like there's been two versions of my life, or 2 major parts that I've participated in. The one of my youth; naive, invincible and shy, confused to my self and the reasoning of others. The second part which I've developed this year is calm and confident, connected to myself and to the direction of fulfilling destiny for myself and others in my life. Centered and focused, I can achieve whatever I wish, however I wish. Happiness prevails in our hearts through the nourishment of awareness and happiness.. Above all I strive for such happiness for myself and others. Making people laugh, smile, jest and keep them wanting more! Ah, Life is full of such surprises. I'm still a complete add mental, though. focusing on particular tasks without getting distracted can be quite annoying. I just smoke weed and not care or work on it slowly as I remember to complete a certain task. Like this post. Kudos.

Square fish big box little box..

People will NEVER cease to amaze me, particularly stupid people. Though stupid is completely based on the persons idea of stupid.. therefore they have to have BEEN or BEING stupid to even know the other person is also.. stupid. However, in recent weeks my eyes were opened very briefly to my own mortality (and stupidity.. ha!). The self realization that fairy tales exist only in fantasy and that reality, while having its easily manipulable structure, still has a system strongly based around denser vibration.. meaning I am the victim of western society and have been for so so long.. longer than I remember? maybe. Memories so far back are becoming pointless and irrelevant to current situations and its agonizing dragging such shit around. Writing has always given me clarity. I am glad for this skill, regardless of how many times Ive forgotten how to fully articulate and express into words. anyways, while time is believed to be more circular shaped, our bodies and physical selves not only have an expiry but also is a living replica of the past, in this life and even lives before. Taking this theory back leads us to the origins of the universe and theres no way i can be bothered in dealing with an eternities worth of karma right now, im going to block (and work on) the past 8 years instead. perhaps better to block them into two fours. My mind has an expiry, my ego is large and needs chopping. the idea of "doubling back and its benefits" was fucking stupid. Every time this happened the younger hurt rebel youth within me becomes extremely evident and the skills and knowledge i had acquired would be lost. Though not entirely forgotten. It's what has happened around 6 weeks ago.. or something, and it's been the only thing on my mind ever since. It's been the most soul crushing, painful and agonizing experience ive asked for in this life so far, and also the most enlightening. I've often wondered how long I would have to suffer; how long until I'm on the fresh green grass on that side of the fence. How long would I have to be selfish with only considering my desires and problems, resulting in the lack of respect I receive even from my closest friends and family, not to mention every other joe and jack. And it dawned on me. Studying esoteric sciences, cultural and spiritual beliefs to understand myself better was a good idea until I realized that It didn't matter how much I studied it and knew the script, because all this information I had gathered was used to feed the dark force within me, crippling and ripping through every drop of self esteem I had. Ive been wandering around for years with the outlandish belief that im better than everyone else because of that. when really it was exactly that withholding me from what I really wanted; positive vibes with good people. And that's what spirituality is about! four to five fucking years. I am so glad someone served it to me. Just wish it wasnt so brutal. I met the most wondrous person during this recent time in shadow. Such talent and potential for so much, and is completely who I asked for. What hurts most is that I failed again, due to my own stupidity and increasingly large egoic arrogance and a tendency to jump the gun. Not only have I punished myself brutally for being such a fool, i worry that my influence has caused her pain. For me, theres nothing worse than watching yourself hurt another and feel completely incapable of preventing it. it doubles back on me and I hurt myself more. gosh. SO. turned out, it was all just a ruse. theres this person ive always aspired to be, in my own way. always dreamed of it. little did I know that so many are already living it. properly. I took my dream and manifested it into a spiritual martyr jesus without a real clue. a false prophet so to speak. So far from what I actually want.for four years. four or five. I actually have to go on this healing journey I started 4 years ago. to think ive barely made it from the starting line but hey.. lessons will be repeated until learned. I take some contentedness in knowing im going to get the real me. I take the knowledge of so much pain that once ive gone so far into this journey, the application of guiding others will be a breeze.

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To those blindly following the governments rule over the people - You fucking disgust me.

After reading this http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2011/07/05/3261126.htm?site=kimberley§ion=news

And this http://au.news.yahoo.com/thewest/a/-/wa/9790898/aboriginals-take-fight-to-canberra/

Not only do we have the right to protest against the destruction of our natural land, which we CANNOT EVER REPLACE, we have the right to remain unharmed by law enforcers. It's bullshit that industrial boomers can hide behind their boys in blue as they march their diggers towards native and sacred land to destroy it and replace it with a gas plant, which is not a renewable resource! We are slowly digging our race's grave.

No fucking shit. The general population of western Australia probably don't give two fucks for their country and preserving it's qualities. You'll just sit by, and as long as your pay checks are flowing into your bank account, who cares? And these cunts just go around doing what they like without respect to the land or it's people. How long will we let this happen? Because it's tearing us up inside. Our planet is being destroyed and only a quiet revolution hears it's agony; brainwashed civilians are deaf towards the destruction of their own race.

Where I've been

My reflections on life and society brought me to the simplest conclusion; that if we love, love will be returned to us. If we anger, passive anger and direct aggression follow. If one thing happens, an equal reaction meets it's force. Like a see-saw, one side goes up and the other down then the same occurs for the opposite end; it goes up while the other side goes down. Energy up in aggression, passive aggression and submission result.
I jumped back into society with a big smile and positive outlook. I was not ready, I was too eager to see my practice put into action. With little surprise, I was amazed at how my talent grew in such short time. My anxiety has weakened to the point of control. If I feel myself becoming nervous or anxious, I quickly realize and stop without trouble, where as before I was not able to relax.
Depression still remains, as does the anxiety. Now, though, it is manageable. I can finally say I won the most difficult battle I have ever faced, which was with myself. The continuing epic struggle to just "break free" from despair. There is no magic cure, and so pursuit of dreams ensues.
And so, with new found abilities I returned to my friends to find out who they are, and who I am with them. I discovered how little they really know about themselves though their humor and pride cover up the inability to really focus on true identity. I love the majority of them for their honesty, loyalty and positive regard for others. Also their level of open mindedness is their greatest attribute. I found how I am a skilled communicator, that I am humorous, gentle, persuasive and open minded. I learned how I am the last person to take most things seriously, though I am known for taking many things very seriously. I am generous and peaceful.

For 2 weeks I have trialed and error'd with my friends of many years these new skills I have. Which has given me great teachings, and I am happy to say I have learned what I need to for the most part, from my friends. I will always cherish, respect and remain honest, loyal and trusting with them. No matter who, or where they are. It doesn't matter.

I also learned that my abilities can be increased so much more, that I have not even reached the tip of the iceberg yet. This was just a test to see what I am capable of. So I wish to return to serene solitude, and maybe I'll end up in the right place, at the right time, specific to my progression into this wide, mad world.

Realizations

New blog.
I have entered a new stage in life, one that relies less on the approval of others and more approval for myself. One that allows me space, to grow and to appreciate life. In doing so I lose my place in the community, or you could say I am temporarily removing myself from the society to come back with my true self, instead of the withdrawn submitting person I was. Though I will make appearances, my life from now is not one of needing friends and social reputation, that need to continually go out and have the same messages from the same people I have always known for years. I continually play out the same identity like a broken record. I go out, thinking it might be different, I might change, and I leave it to the rule of the universe to look after me. And, each time I ended up having the same results. The same thoughts, same feelings and behaviours. I always knew it needed to change, because it never served me well, and I became less valued by my friends and people in the community. And I find it's not because of them, I can blame society's rule, or I can adapt and live my own life. It was always my choice.

So I have retreated, through lifes struggles I eventually had to quit living outside of home, at least until I ground myself in full-time work. Other plans can be made from that point onward. The struggle with me and a career has been my inability to choose, I always expected that I would do something straight away, and be fantastic at it. I have realized this is not the case. I need to learn from the bottom to get to the top. From there, I now just ask that whatever the position is, that I can do it without stressing my body and mind to the point where I die inside, and become burned out. Finding something I can stick with has never been easy for me, I have worked at so many places that it's becoming frustrating. I want one place, with happy people to work with.

My studies have been enlightening. The realizations I am having now in accordance to my counselling research is allowing me to see how I have made life, and how others make life for themselves. Learning the tools and techniques used to think differently has given me great insight to what is happening around me. This has been the most amazing, yet tough experience I have ever had. I cannot believe it, how I have been acting without a clue for so long. Now I see where I stand with my friends and family, and now I know the techniques to bring my life to justice, and it is difficult, to accept what I have done and to communicate what I have done, how I feel, and what I think, and to see the responses I get from people. It's a massive change, and I don't know what to expect.. Slowly, I am grasping this new way and effectively integrating it into my life. So, then I will be who I have always wanted to be.

These are my realizations. That I can now see the aggression, and tension, the lack of respect, and the ill communication of intentions within the my life and those around me. And by doubling back now, I can heal, and eventually, integrate myself back into the community .

Only when I am ready.