New blog.
I have entered a new stage in life, one that relies less on the approval of others and more approval for myself. One that allows me space, to grow and to appreciate life. In doing so I lose my place in the community, or you could say I am temporarily removing myself from the society to come back with my true self, instead of the withdrawn submitting person I was. Though I will make appearances, my life from now is not one of needing friends and social reputation, that need to continually go out and have the same messages from the same people I have always known for years. I continually play out the same identity like a broken record. I go out, thinking it might be different, I might change, and I leave it to the rule of the universe to look after me. And, each time I ended up having the same results. The same thoughts, same feelings and behaviours. I always knew it needed to change, because it never served me well, and I became less valued by my friends and people in the community. And I find it's not because of them, I can blame society's rule, or I can adapt and live my own life. It was always my choice.
So I have retreated, through lifes struggles I eventually had to quit living outside of home, at least until I ground myself in full-time work. Other plans can be made from that point onward. The struggle with me and a career has been my inability to choose, I always expected that I would do something straight away, and be fantastic at it. I have realized this is not the case. I need to learn from the bottom to get to the top. From there, I now just ask that whatever the position is, that I can do it without stressing my body and mind to the point where I die inside, and become burned out. Finding something I can stick with has never been easy for me, I have worked at so many places that it's becoming frustrating. I want one place, with happy people to work with.
My studies have been enlightening. The realizations I am having now in accordance to my counselling research is allowing me to see how I have made life, and how others make life for themselves. Learning the tools and techniques used to think differently has given me great insight to what is happening around me. This has been the most amazing, yet tough experience I have ever had. I cannot believe it, how I have been acting without a clue for so long. Now I see where I stand with my friends and family, and now I know the techniques to bring my life to justice, and it is difficult, to accept what I have done and to communicate what I have done, how I feel, and what I think, and to see the responses I get from people. It's a massive change, and I don't know what to expect.. Slowly, I am grasping this new way and effectively integrating it into my life. So, then I will be who I have always wanted to be.
These are my realizations. That I can now see the aggression, and tension, the lack of respect, and the ill communication of intentions within the my life and those around me. And by doubling back now, I can heal, and eventually, integrate myself back into the community .
Only when I am ready.
