Square fish big box little box..

People will NEVER cease to amaze me, particularly stupid people. Though stupid is completely based on the persons idea of stupid.. therefore they have to have BEEN or BEING stupid to even know the other person is also.. stupid. However, in recent weeks my eyes were opened very briefly to my own mortality (and stupidity.. ha!). The self realization that fairy tales exist only in fantasy and that reality, while having its easily manipulable structure, still has a system strongly based around denser vibration.. meaning I am the victim of western society and have been for so so long.. longer than I remember? maybe. Memories so far back are becoming pointless and irrelevant to current situations and its agonizing dragging such shit around. Writing has always given me clarity. I am glad for this skill, regardless of how many times Ive forgotten how to fully articulate and express into words. anyways, while time is believed to be more circular shaped, our bodies and physical selves not only have an expiry but also is a living replica of the past, in this life and even lives before. Taking this theory back leads us to the origins of the universe and theres no way i can be bothered in dealing with an eternities worth of karma right now, im going to block (and work on) the past 8 years instead. perhaps better to block them into two fours. My mind has an expiry, my ego is large and needs chopping. the idea of "doubling back and its benefits" was fucking stupid. Every time this happened the younger hurt rebel youth within me becomes extremely evident and the skills and knowledge i had acquired would be lost. Though not entirely forgotten. It's what has happened around 6 weeks ago.. or something, and it's been the only thing on my mind ever since. It's been the most soul crushing, painful and agonizing experience ive asked for in this life so far, and also the most enlightening. I've often wondered how long I would have to suffer; how long until I'm on the fresh green grass on that side of the fence. How long would I have to be selfish with only considering my desires and problems, resulting in the lack of respect I receive even from my closest friends and family, not to mention every other joe and jack. And it dawned on me. Studying esoteric sciences, cultural and spiritual beliefs to understand myself better was a good idea until I realized that It didn't matter how much I studied it and knew the script, because all this information I had gathered was used to feed the dark force within me, crippling and ripping through every drop of self esteem I had. Ive been wandering around for years with the outlandish belief that im better than everyone else because of that. when really it was exactly that withholding me from what I really wanted; positive vibes with good people. And that's what spirituality is about! four to five fucking years. I am so glad someone served it to me. Just wish it wasnt so brutal. I met the most wondrous person during this recent time in shadow. Such talent and potential for so much, and is completely who I asked for. What hurts most is that I failed again, due to my own stupidity and increasingly large egoic arrogance and a tendency to jump the gun. Not only have I punished myself brutally for being such a fool, i worry that my influence has caused her pain. For me, theres nothing worse than watching yourself hurt another and feel completely incapable of preventing it. it doubles back on me and I hurt myself more. gosh. SO. turned out, it was all just a ruse. theres this person ive always aspired to be, in my own way. always dreamed of it. little did I know that so many are already living it. properly. I took my dream and manifested it into a spiritual martyr jesus without a real clue. a false prophet so to speak. So far from what I actually want.for four years. four or five. I actually have to go on this healing journey I started 4 years ago. to think ive barely made it from the starting line but hey.. lessons will be repeated until learned. I take some contentedness in knowing im going to get the real me. I take the knowledge of so much pain that once ive gone so far into this journey, the application of guiding others will be a breeze.